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*takes eyelash and makes a wish* Come get your baby, please.

I don't think I can express enough what a godsend you are to me. You make me laugh, rethink stupidity and call me out on stupidity I was unable to rethink. I love you on so many levels...



Thank you for being such a fantastic friend, X!



Now, to eat truffles together and watch "The Birdcage" for the thousandth time...

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Xzavier
02:47 Jul 10 2009

If only my "bird" enjoyed your "cage" LMAO!



You're a wonderful person babe and I'm so glad you pissed me off that one time, remember? lol

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CryingDutchess
15:39 Jul 10 2009

LOL, how could I forget? You were such a bitch!

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Well... got a call from "his" mom saying she missed me very much and would like to get together for lunch next weekend. We hadn't communicated in months, so.. yeah.



I don't know how to process that. Of course, I said yes. However, I can't help but feel extremely apprehensive. I am so afraid that hearing the wrong thing will set me back when I've come so far. I also can't stay away because I am hoping to hear something that will bolster my belief that this will work out.



Then again, why would she see me just to say "Erm, yeah, great to see you, Kourt -- how's that staying away from my son working out for you? Good. Keep it up!"



She did say that she had information about what led to the break up. Again, why would you give up any of this info, unless... Well, unless this very well may be a fixable situation.



*sigh* I was so happy to hear from her, and now I am scared stiff. I don't know what any of this means. I don't even know how I should behave... Do I not say that every day that I've been away from her son that I have died a little inside? Do I tell her that I work two jobs, bought a car and have classes in the fall (and not sound like an advertisement)? Do I demand she get the love of my life back in my arms, or else?!



Fuck. I do NOT know what to do. I'm really afraid.

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LadyxDarkxRayne
00:27 Jul 10 2009

Well I would give you what I would do, but umm as of late today I don;'t think anything I can say would come out nice anyways...bespcialy being after my neighbor came over to ask me something and i answered the door with WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ? HAVE I SOME HOW PISSED IN YOUR CHERRIOS today too ?



But the rational sister of your says, just with it, you knwo you want to but keep in mind it may not be what you want to hear.

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atyourwindow
00:51 Jul 10 2009

nothing can make a man bug out more than an ex forming an alliance with his mother lol

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CryingDutchess
01:50 Jul 10 2009

Seriously... now, I feel worse. Fuck!

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Sister Isis -- you're a great friend, hon. I'm privileged to know you.

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Xzavier
01:13 Jul 09 2009

*cries* it's been 15 minutes since your last Xzavier entry, I'm getting jealous! lol jk She is a really nice person.

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atyourwindow
01:29 Jul 09 2009

i likes her too...and stop ignoring poor ole xzavier for goth sakes.

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Today, I was rude to a bunch of people and I enjoyed it! I think I am becoming a psychopath. I'm comfortable with the idea. I think I can carry it off well.



Ugh, I was totally out of line with the neighbor's realtor, I admit. I parked in the neighbor's driveway that has been abandoned for seven months, now. I was in my parents townhouse for all of ten minutes when I came out to see someone's black Porsche Cayenne blocking me in.



I rang the doorbell and a woman came down advising she was the realtor. I told her my family lived next door. She proceeded to tell me that the driveway was not mine and I couldn't park there. *sigh* I know, I shouldn't have -- I should have just apologized and kept it civil. Instead, I smiled maliciously and said, "whatever gets your car from blocking me in, thanks!".



She continued with the words and I zoned out on her and nodded and kept saying "okay, and to move your car?" When she finally walked to the driver's side, I advised her that not more than twenty yards from where she illegally blocked in my car, was a parking lot.



I couldn't help myself. I feel guilty because I don't do that sort of thing, but at the same time, I could care less.



Crap. Hope this doesn't start a trend of me enjoying being rude to people. Guess, I 'd better head out the house and kiss some babies, or something.

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Isis101
00:30 Jul 09 2009

I think you were being more sarcastic than rude...

Now, rude would be gettin' up in the bitch's face and telling her to move her fuckin' car before you busted the windows and put a cap in her ass.

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WildChild
01:02 Jul 09 2009

welcome to the dark side....

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LadyxDarkxRayne
00:23 Jul 10 2009

Well if your starting this ternd can I just tell everyone I see and talk to just go FUCK OFF ?

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May as well say it now, I'm a horrible person. My inability to feel anything anymore has ensured that I cannot offer anything by ways of affection. *sigh* This is terrible. Someone will be hurt.



The only feelings I can muster are sympathy and regret. Not that I invited anything to my doorstep... But since you're knocking on my door, I may as well make it known info.

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LadyxDarkxRayne
19:50 Jul 07 2009

*lip quivers* you mean you dont loves me anymore ? But But what about our trip ? Ish crushed .... I am supposed to be the mean one we both can not be mean !

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CryingDutchess
20:12 Jul 07 2009

Can it, sis. LOL!

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I don't want to step outside my secure bubble of defensiveness. For me, there is comfort only believing things can turn out in one of two solutions; success or death. It acts as a cattle prod that forces me to push beyond my pre-set limits. What I am saying is, I don't know that I will ever be more scared than I have been for the past few months.



Everything, all of it, is still hell for me. So what, I can laugh and interact and function. Inside, there is this woman that screams in agony and I have to lower the volume on her by keeping busy. I just want to curl up in a ball and succumb to all the pain. Instead, I am amidst the fight of my life because I will never be able to let go of what should be my life.



Of course, I have tried to let the thought of "it's really over" work it's way into a thought of permanency and every time I do, I get violently ill. That being said, I have been vomiting every morning for over three or four months, now. Like I said, this break is making me physically ill. My entire being just rejects the whole concept.



I'm just not about to give up on the only thing I ever learned to believe in. Which also means, that now I am no longer subjecting myself to the whims of quacks and my head is clear, I have no choice but to face all the wrong I did. No, I wasn't in the right state of mind, nonetheless, I can't forgive myself just yet.



I think the worst crime I ever committed in this life was never taking time to learn to love myself. If I had, I would have had it all.

So, I have come to terms with the fact I have become lazy with my grammar. My typos are out of control, and this Virgo no givee a shitee!



What, was that supposed to be interesting? *sigh* Would it help to know I've returned to school to teach English? Yeah, my point exactly.

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DarkWolfman
16:37 Jul 04 2009

Yoo Engiwsh be good

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CryingDutchess
16:55 Jul 04 2009

You really just rolled up in my journal to tell lies, Jay?

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DarkWolfman
17:12 Jul 04 2009

I never lie...I just tell what is true

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Arrrgh! You know what REALLY irks me when I read someone's journal regularly? When they have made their entry private. I have less than 10 favorite journals, and damn it! I want to know what you don't want me to know! That's the whole point of me snooping in the first place!

*curls up in a dark wet corner and sobs*

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DarkWolfman
16:09 Jul 04 2009

You a naughty girl aren't you

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CryingDutchess
16:22 Jul 04 2009

Jesh, the naughtiest since Imelda Marcos!

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Isis101
00:33 Jul 09 2009

LOL!



Do you have as many shoes as Imelda had? (I think my sis does)...

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Ugh, my worst shroom trip, I was watching Jodie Foster in Contact and I couldn't stop crying because I felt like a failure for not being an astronaut.

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atyourwindow
06:19 Jul 01 2009

yes you let us all down dutchy, now the aliens will never make contact with us lol

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Sinora
11:08 Jul 01 2009

Such potential, what a waste. lol

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CryingDutchess
14:54 Jul 01 2009

Hey, for the record, I still drink Tang in the morning! I tripped out ten years ago... Talk about lasting impressions.

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I do solemnly swear...



I will never, EVER, evereverever ASK someone to read my journal. I think you guys are loony for coming here in the first place!



(Besides, my obsession with commas becomes very prominent...)

Amazing, really. Despite all the new accomplishments, I am still an empty shell without him.